Monday, June 9, 2014

Of Love and Loss

I don’t know how to write this post. I don’t want to write it. But, I am told that writing it out will help me feel better in some way, as if the simple act of putting words to paper will take my pain away. I know it won’t. The pain is too deep and all consuming. Three weeks ago on May 19, my husband passed away. It was not expected. It was a total, utter shock, that has not stopped. Three weeks ago tonight, he simply went to sleep and drifted away from me. He felt no pain, he had no idea what was happening. His heart simply stopped. He was only 59 years old. I still don’t believe it, it is too unreal. But deep inside I know it is real. I know it happened and he is gone from my life forever. I didn’t think I could endure this much pain and continue to survive, to function. But, I am, because I have no other choice. I thank God all of my grown children are here with me, because I don’t want to be alone. But I am alone, in a house full of people, for the first time in twenty years.

The last thing we did together was laugh. I am grateful for that. I take comfort in knowing that our last moments together were joyous. I don’t remember if I told him I loved him that night, or even that day. I hope I did. But I know that he knew I did, just as I know how much he loved me.  That is one of the things I am grateful for. I have always felt secure in his love for me. I never had any cause to doubt it. 

My mind is in turmoil, jumbled with memories and questions. So many questions. Why didn’t I see any signs? Why didn’t I wake up? Could I have done something to save him? Why on that night of all nights had he slept in another room? (he had back trouble and didn’t want to disturb my sleep with his tossing and turning) I’ll never have any answers.

I want so desperately to talk to him. To just be with him.

All I can do is to write here the same thing I said most nights when we went to bed.

Good night honey. I love you.

 

christmas 019

 

9 comments:

  1. To say that I am sorry for your loss seems somewhat not enough. However I am so sorry and I send my thoughts and wishes to you.

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  2. Oh, Anne, my deepest sympathies. What a terrible loss. I know from experience how hard the grieving will be. Do your best and recognize there's a rough road ahead. I hope talking about it here helps.

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  3. I am so so sorry for your loss :( xx

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  4. I know it was a difficult thing to do to sit down and deal with the reality of your loss. I'm proud of you :)

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  5. I stumbled onto your blog tonight and I felt that I needed to offer you a dry shoulder to cry upon if you like.

    3 1/2 years ago my daughter passed away following life-long diseases including heart, lung and GI defects. She was 22 years old but due to strokes, etc. she never surpassed the level of a 7 year old. Her death was not unexpected but a it was a long and painful one. What I've found is that there is no good way nor a good time to lose someone you love. It can rock you to your core. I was in shock for months. Even though it was an expected death she had pulled through many times throughout her 22 years of life that it felt as though she would always pull through but that last time she didn't.

    Try not to be hard on yourself. It takes time for our psyche to adjust to something so difficult and permanent. You will go through many phases of grieving and you will probably feel emotions that you've never felt before. The thing to remember is that there is NO right or wrong way to grieve. You feel what you need to feel and don't let anyone tell you it's inappropriate or that "you should be over it by now". Two weeks after my daughter died someone (at church) said to me, "You must be getting a lot done now." The implication was that since I didn't have to care for my daughter anymore - who required care 24/7 for many years - that I should be able to just go about life as if nothing ever happened. I realized that she had no clue so I just ignored that comment.

    My heart goes out to you. You lost your husband at a very young age and I am so very sorry for your loss. Praying for you this night. I'm glad that your children are there with you. Sending you (((hugs))) and love, Nancy.

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  6. Oh Anne, I went to check out your blog and I read about your husband! I am so sorry for your loss! I cannot even imagine what you are going through! There is so much love and pain in these words... All I can do is pray for you Anne.

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  7. oh Anne, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. Please accept my deepest sympathies for you and your family

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  8. Anne, I am just reading this now. So so sorry for your loss.

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  9. I'm so sorry. I hope that now, months later, your heart has healed a little and you continue to be close with your family.

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